Parenting is one of the most important "jobs" in the world. Those little wrinkled humans do not come with a manual. You can do an internet search; however you will find your particular bundle of joy is, many times, not the average kid (who likes average anyway?). In fact, there is so much in society that gives parents much angst because their child isn't walking at the same time his friend is or talking like a five year old at two.
But, there is one aspect of child-rearing that is absolutely true for all children. They observe and learn from their surroundings - it's called, "mirroring." In fact, humans and other primates are hardwired to it. When your sweet bundle of joy gets to be three years old and he's standing there frustrated trying to put a square box in a round hole and says that "bad word," you can bet that it was a behavior he saw from someone he values. (I am using he only because that is the gender I raised and of course, my sweet granddaughter will never exhibit this kind of behavior! LOL)
The only experience we have in child-rearing, typically, is how we were raised ourselves. If you were fortunate to be born to parents that "mirrored" Mother Teresa, then we may have learned to restrain anger or how to deal with it positive ways. But the truth is, that parents are human and flawed. Some, like myself, pretty broken. It's really staying in the game that earns the real points from your kids point of view.
As I watch the on-going coverage of the Sandusky child abuse trial, I am struck by a lot of feelings because I was one of those kids that was physically and emotionally abused by a in-law. I have had to deal with my share of guilt over not letting anyone know until I was grown, married and had a child of my own. Why? Because I feel confident that this individual subjected other children to the same treatment I endured over the years and I did nothing to help protect them.
My mom did everything right as far as protecting us from as much of the world's evilness as possible but it happened to me. She was involved and present in everything we participated in ... baseball, bowling and school. She didn't let us go off with people she didn't know. We hardly ever spent the night at friends houses and she made it a point to know BOTH parents of kids we could spend time at their homes. Our's was the sanctuary for the neighborhood kids. We always had sleepovers and friends coming and going. My mom was the mom in the hood the kids like to be around. She was funny, engaging and always found things to entertain us.
Growing up, there was one thing I knew (even as a teenager), that my mom (and family) loved me unconditionally. I knew that if someone hurt me that my mom would have done anything to protect me. When I say anything, I mean anything. That's good, right?
I was 11 years old when the abuse began and it was small steps but within a year, it had become really scary and ugly. Hearing these young adults during this trial talk about how they felt no one would have believed them over this man with such standing in their community, makes me so sad because I knew my mom would have believed me.
This is where it was different in my case and for many children in the world. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that if my mom and my family found out about what was happening to me that they would have killed him. She was not going to let someone hurt one of her children. It happened even my involved and committed parent.
In my child's mind, I weighed my options. Try to reduce the exposure to this animal and protect myself and my little sister from as much of the abuse as possible or tell my mom and lose her to the justice system because I truly believed she would have killed him. I didn't think it was worth my family losing my mom over this criminal's actions.
My teenage years were tough because of all that goes with abuse both physically and emotionally but my mom was there for me and God answered all my prayers by bringing people into my life that helped me heal. I learned that even in the worst of it, I was never alone and that for as bad as it was, it could have been much worse.
Those years after this person was no longer in our lives until my son was born, I suppressed the memories and they played out in a variety of ways. I did a great deal of self examination and praying to overcome most of it but it wasn't until I was able to share it with my family that healing really began. I learned how to forgive, not for him, but for me because as long as I held onto the anger, he still controlled me and had influence over my happiness.
My parenting lesson from my own childhood was to never say or allude to my child that if someone did anything to them that I would cause harm to the violator but instead that he could tell me anything. I would be there for him and help him through anything and everything.
Parenting is hard and no ever does it perfectly but remembering that your children are paying attention and mirroring your actions, words and attitude is a pretty powerful thing. When you realize that you have the ability to be a positive influence their lives ... own it and rejoice in it. It is the the most rewarding thing you will ever do for your child and the world.
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